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Hello, I'm a critic from ! I really love what you did with this piece! You captured a theme that is simple -but apparently invisible- with an ease that I admire. You wove your message into the form of a story, and I think you did it wonderfully. You put so much into the personality of your narrator in such a simple, straightforward fashion, and that is really something to be commended. I also love the length of this piece. It is just long enough to say what you need to say without the distraction an overly long piece can provide. It reminds me of a fairytale: short, sweet, straight to the message.
On the other hand, I found a lot of the formatting distracting. I'm not entirely sure if this fits any traditional form, so I don't know exactly why you arranged each line like you did. That is to say, I don't know why you rhymed some lines within themselves "...again // ...ten!" versus "...be // ...Me." In general, rhymed verse should be standard throughout the piece or even divided by section. Without that unison, the rhyme scheme just seems uneven and choppy. Also on the note of formatting, I don't know what kind of file you uploaded here, but I would recommend copy and pasting your text into the box instead. The additional baubles floating around just distract me because I am an internet user and constantly distracted.
Overall, this is a lovely piece! It's sweet and simple and shows a whole lot of promise. Hope to see more of your work soon!
Mirrors are one of the most inspirational phenomenon I've ever seen, being only second to nature, color and music, which is an amazing placement. And as such, I do love the sentiment behind this piece. Spoiled people are bound to have reality stare them in the face at some point or another, whether it changes them or not.
That is one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me on DA!
Do you really want me to start critiquing your work? Your drawing, or your poetry? I mean, I don't usually have too much difficulty with c.c. on drawings, but for poetry, I'd really need to think hard about it the first few times. It almost seems sacrilegious to give someone constructive criticism on their written expression.
Well, I suppose with the rest of your poems, I'll try my best, then.^^
You know, reading all of your really great poetry has almost inspired me to get into written (or typed) poetry myself.
Ah, ok. I more meant the seven Homunculus rather than your brother's drawing itself anyway. It can be quite inspirational as a whole.
WOW?? my work inspired you?? please do write!! you have really good vocabulary anyway!! i'll make sure to read each one of them when you do wrte!
yeah FMA rocks!
It's a clever approach - the greed of what we want to be, as well as what we want to have.
Looking forward to reading what you do with the other sins.