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Greed by MissTsukii Greed by MissTsukii

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1st of My series: 'The Seven Deadly Sins' . please tell me if you are willing to read poems on the other 6 sins too! I'll be glad if you looked at the two sins i wrote on here ---> The Seven Deadly Sins
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:iconnot-an-emo-girl942:
not-an-emo-girl942 Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hello, I'm a critic from :iconwriters--club:!  I really love what you did with this piece!  You captured a theme that is simple -but apparently invisible- with an ease that I admire.  You wove your message into the form of a story, and I think you did it wonderfully.  You put so much into the personality of your narrator in such a simple, straightforward fashion, and that is really something to be commended.  I also love the length of this piece.  It is just long enough to say what you need to say without the distraction an overly long piece can provide.  It reminds me of a fairytale: short, sweet, straight to the message. :)

 

On the other hand, I found a lot of the formatting distracting.  I'm not entirely sure if this fits any traditional form, so I don't know exactly why you arranged each line like you did.  That is to say, I don't know why you rhymed some lines within themselves "...again // ...ten!" versus "...be // ...Me."  In general, rhymed verse should be standard throughout the piece or even divided by section.  Without that unison, the rhyme scheme just seems uneven and choppy.  Also on the note of formatting, I don't know what kind of file you uploaded here, but I would recommend copy and pasting your text into the box instead.  The additional baubles floating around just distract me because I am an internet user and constantly distracted.  :)

 

Overall, this is a lovely piece!  It's sweet and simple and shows a whole lot of promise.  Hope to see more of your work soon!

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:iconmizztusspot:
MizzTusspot Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hi Angel-Tsuki! I find this poem very beautiful  because of the way in which you employed a whimsical, passionate rhyming structure (one can just imagine the speaker standing before a mirror imagining themselves on a throne decked out in jewels) and the way in which the true, darker meaning was subtly wound into the beginning, only to make a powerful appearance at the end.  Nice! I would suggest making the poem structure a bit more formal - perhaps number your stanzas so that they each have three lines? That way it would provide for a more organized visual read.

Don't stop writing!
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 3, 2013
This is excellent *o* I'm glad to read the poem with a theme similar to mine, but with a completely different approach ^_^ You nailed it! :D
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you soooooooo much!! I'm so elated!! :iconexcitedblushplz: when you do have the time, please do look into the other sins to and tell me where i can improve. Only if you have the time that is. ^_^
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
I'll be sure to do that ^^ Your poetry is really good *o* When my exams are done, I'll go through your whole gallery :)
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That is so kind of you!!! Thank you so much for taking your time and exaaaaammsss.... :iconstudytimeplz: It's such a pain. And yeah, All the best!!
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
Haha xD Thank you, I'll do my best ^^ And seriously...I do look like this when I study ---> :iconstudytimeplz: xD
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
LOL me too! xD Onion heads are AWESOME! xD
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:iconmarija343:
Marija343 Featured By Owner May 7, 2013
Totally :)
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:iconkycesilverfalcon:
KyceSilverFalcon Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh, definitely. I will truly enjoy and look forward to all other 6. Did you get the idea from your brother's homunculus drawing? I think that's pretty neat, and it was pretty inspiring.

Mirrors are one of the most inspirational phenomenon I've ever seen, being only second to nature, color and music, which is an amazing placement. And as such, I do love the sentiment behind this piece. Spoiled people are bound to have reality stare them in the face at some point or another, whether it changes them or not.:nod:
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
PLEASE CRITIQUE MY WORK!! you're comments are so thoughtful and detailed. You'll make one of the best critics on deviantart! Kyce, I'm blessed to have a watcher like you. :heartplz: you really get to know what was teh true intention behind every piece of mine. You indeed are awesome. Ever line in the second paragraph is absolutely right. Well, no, i actually wanted to make a series and since we were watching FMA brotherhood, i decided to make a sevens ins series!
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:iconkycesilverfalcon:
KyceSilverFalcon Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Aw, well thank you!:icondawwwwplz:
That is one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me on DA!:iconsweetsmileplz:
Do you really want me to start critiquing your work? Your drawing, or your poetry? I mean, I don't usually have too much difficulty with c.c. on drawings, but for poetry, I'd really need to think hard about it the first few times. It almost seems sacrilegious to give someone constructive criticism on their written expression.
Well, I suppose with the rest of your poems, I'll try my best, then.^^

You know, reading all of your really great poetry has almost inspired me to get into written (or typed) poetry myself.:D

Ah, ok. I more meant the seven Homunculus rather than your brother's drawing itself anyway. It can be quite inspirational as a whole.:aww:
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:iconblshplz: really? and of course!! they'll make really awesome critique if you just speak your mind like you do in my comments! i'll enable critiques for few of my already posted drawings and will enable critique to every other deviation i submit from now on!! i'll be looking forward to your critiques on each one of them :D i'll say it again-You Make an Awesome Critique.


WOW?? my work inspired you?? :icondawwwwplz: please do write!! you have really good vocabulary anyway!! i'll make sure to read each one of them when you do wrte!

yeah FMA rocks!
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:iconkycesilverfalcon:
KyceSilverFalcon Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow, so no pressure or anything, right? Lol:D
Thank you very much!:aww:

Of course! Your poems are really top-notch and they truly do the expressed point of interest more than the required justice.
Thank you. I'll be really interested to see what you think when I get around to it.:aww:

:iconedplz: Is there any doubt??
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
haha! ^_^ no pressure at all buddy! and no doubts at all, if teher was a doubt, it would be if it is Awesome or Super Awesome! xD :iconpervyelricplz:
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:iconkycesilverfalcon:
KyceSilverFalcon Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks.:aww:
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:iconhomestucker42:
homestucker42 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think this series would be really interesting. I would definitely read them! I really like the last line on this poem. Great job :D
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for your support ! It really means a lot to me!! Yes, i wanted to use the mirror concept here, and hence the ending. i'm glad you like it! The next one's Wrath BTW. I'm done with it! :D will post it next week!
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:iconhomestucker42:
homestucker42 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can't wait to read it :)
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
^_^
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:iconmargaretto-ri:
Margaretto-Ri Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013
I really liked it a lot, especially the last line. A few times in the poem it kind of sounded like you were trying too hard to rhyme, but it wasn't that bad. I really liked your imagery and how you portrayed greed with the whole magic mirror thing. I can't wait to read the others
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
yeah, you're right. and thank you!!! sure, stay tuned!
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:iconkurenaisensei7912:
KurenaiSensei7912 Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Nice. It's like greed to the max, with bells and whistles on!
It's a clever approach - the greed of what we want to be, as well as what we want to have.
Looking forward to reading what you do with the other sins.
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yes, greed is to want more and more. Thank you for understand my POV!! Thanks for the support, i'll do better with the others! keep in touch!
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:iconcaudara:
caudara Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Professional Interface Designer
love it :)
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you so much for appreciating my poem.
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:iconnorvertiano:
norvertiano Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013
awesome i really like it
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you so much for appreciating my poem. I really means a lot to me!!
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:iconnorvertiano:
norvertiano Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013
no problem, you are very welcome :)
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i've talked to pixiecold, it never happened to me before. I'm an artist myself, but not one who is very famous. So, i thoughts credits would do. But, now i understand i need personal permission from the artist. Please don't get me wrong. it's a very big misunderstanding. I worked very hard for this poem and i'ma committed artist and writer, so i don't want a preview image misunderstanding or whatever it is to come in my way. So i've taken it down and i've put something else as it demand a preview image. I'll change the main file into "txt" soon. Please understand, i'm nota kind of person who steals works nonetheless steals works from people whom she admires a lot!! And i don't consider this success, this POEM is just one step in the staircase of success. (I'm talking of the poem alone) . I hope you understand.
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:iconspiritwolfxx:
SpiritWolfxX Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Still, you should have spoke to PixieCold first.
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:iconmaslowfan:
maslowfan Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hi im sorry if this may sound rude, but its just a poem if you dont like why are you here, and she is giving pixiecold credit, is that what matters?
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:iconmelificence:
Melificence Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
What matters is that she wasn't given permission.
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:iconmaslowfan:
maslowfan Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hmmm, well none of us know that... i dont see it on the description box, but anyways i didnt want this to sound rude.
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Hidden by Owner
:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
PLease din't consider this as stealing!!! I've been watching you since i joined dev art!! I'D NEVER STEAL YOUR WORKS!!!! I'm really really sad....i'm sorry to have let you down.
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i'm so sorry pixie!!!! I thought giving the artist credit is all what it takes you told it in the description of one of your arts, that if we credit you, it's more than enough. i've credited you. I'm so sorry for this. I'll surely take it off. :iconruncryplz: I never knew!!!!!!I should've noted ou like last time :iconcrycryplz:
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:iconmelificence:
Melificence Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Strange, I clicked this thinking it was your work - and then it comes to this post. Reported. Sad to see people are ripping your stuff.
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It's a prevew image. If we credit people whose image we are using, it's more than enough if you have not seen it in the description, "1st of My series: 'The Seven Deadly Sins' . The preview Image is by the awesome =PixieCold you should watch her if you don't already!! " I"M NOT A PERSON WHO RIPS OFF OTHER PEOPLES ARTWORK!!! stop acting as if i committed a crime!!! then what are preview images for? they're for giving exposure to the poet!!! I'm watching picxiecold ever since i joined deviantart i'ma loyal watcher!! i'd NEVER EVER steal her artwork! what i've done here is simply use her image for prev image and CREDITED her!!!
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:iconmelificence:
Melificence Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It doesn't matter. You have to have direct permission from the artist to use her work for any purpose at all. I realize you credited her, but that doesn't make up for the fact that you used her art without permission. When your deviation shows up, the main image seen is Pixie's artwork so it's deceiving. When she even comments herself and says that you didn't have permission, there's an issue. If you work with out with her that's fine. I just suggest asking first.
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
understood. It's changed now. ^_^
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:iconsusaleena:
Susaleena Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You need permission from the artists for these things. It's not enough to just "give credit" because not all artists like their works used with or without credit. For example, you cannot just take someone's image and use it on your website as a background and then write on the background "This was made by an awesome artist NAME HERE" because then the artist will never know you used his/her image AND you were not given permission to in the first place. The artist would then have the right to sue you if he/she has a copyright or if you were using the image as a background to make a profit off of it.It is considered stealing even if you gave her credit because you DO NOT have her permission!
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i understand. You made it clear now. I myself am an artist. so i know how i feels. Thank you for making it clearly kindly. I've taken it off and put something else. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so kindly unlike others.
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:iconsusaleena:
Susaleena Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No worries, I understand that sometimes it's confusing:nod: Glad I could help out! Just be careful in the future :aww:
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:iconmisstsukii:
MissTsukii Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
sure! thank you so much once again!!
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:iconfunvampiremihihou:
funvampiremihihou Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
awesome~! You should deffinetely do the other sins too.
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